In the midst of this trying (crying) time, I have seen my friends, family, and complete strangers offer up honest help – all because I reached out and admitted that I am struggling to keep my chin up above water, so to speak. This is overwhelming. How many times have these people needed help, a hand, a break, someone to just listen? I never knew “need” like this, and I can only hope and pray that I have been a friend to those close to me in their times of need as well.
I have these serious chats with Poppy, where I explain to her very calmly that this cannot go on. She mustn’t cry unless something is actually bothering her. I simply cannot function properly as a mother, or human being for that matter, if this continues. While most often she responds with (you guessed it) crying, on rare occasion she will pause and offer me a moment of quiet understanding so that I may recharge. Sometimes just ten minutes of contentment on her part is enough to guide me through another 8 hours of rough water.
I am seeing a trend in my life – People around me tell me that I am strong, independent, tough, capable … I used to covet these compliments and glow a bit inside knowing their truth. I am theses things. I have certainly proven that. Why must I continue to prove them? Must being a “strong mama” be so very arduous a title to achieve? I may be ready to be known as the “wimpy one.”
Like birth, I come to the point of absolute breaking – and right as I begin to believe I cannot do it – something budges just enough and the laboring lets up so I can feel my heart beating again.
Kieran’s stoicism toward most things mixed with his sensitivity to my emotions has kept me believing in my abilities to do this. He offers his 9 year-old help more often than anyone and I am in awe at his love for his sister and patience with her “vocal skills”.
I am blessed to be here. I am fortunate to be called “mama.” I am capable.
I love you, sweet Poppy Pants. Please be quiet now.