heart things

I walked as slowly as I could to the Surgical check-in. From that moment on it all became real. An actual event.

Central lines and arterial lines and intravenous lines and intubation tubes and other various wires and monitors and she will be okay and don’t worry and relax and soon it will be over. Someone said all of that.

It was maybe one full minute from the time she was taken from my arms to the time she disappeared through doors I could not see/bust/claw through. That minute will stay with me forever. Every cell in my body, every essence of soul, pulled slowly like taffy away from me. I fell apart, standing.

Someone was talking about waiting rooms and cafeterias and elevators and coffee. My instincts were rabid – but the heaviness of fear and empty arms kept me from swinging.

Where was my baby? Was she crying? Was she terrified?

Harder than my darkest hour the night she was born. Harder than knowing she would someday undergo numerous surgeries, harder than watching her struggle to breathe at 7 weeks old – this one minute.

I of course cried, I shook, I grabbed my son and held his head too tight to my chest and thanked him for being so strong. I hugged my loved ones who were there to wait with me. I distracted myself by “mothering” others until I could breathe in again. And then peace washed over me.

To be completely honest, I was angry that I felt peace. Disturbed that, while my infant daughter was undergoing major cranial surgery – I was able to eat a croissant, sip coffee, and talk intelligibly.

99530. Her existence and progress had been turned into a number on a screen.

Anesthesia started
Procedure started
Procedure finishing
Anesthesia stopped

Then this large pager starts screeching and lights are flashing and I am running toward the surgical waiting room. It has only been 4.5 hours. They are done. She is alive. I am about to see her.

Image

There she is. Being wheeled down the hall. Her head stitched neatly back together. Her chest rising and falling on it’s own – they were able to remove the breathing tube. No further intubation. No need for a tracheotomy. Just breathing! My Poppy, on the other side of surgery.

One week later:

She looks different.

Of all the frightening and horrid, heartbreaking moments –  now that the swelling is down, she is active and alert, the realization that she LOOKS DIFFERENT is the hardest to swallow.

Not the hardest moment, no. The hardest realization to come to. I look at her and feel, once again, a loss. I am ashamed and saddened by this feeling – yet here it is, deep in my heart.

I will write more about the missing week – I just can’t quite yet.

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6 thoughts on “heart things

  1. I have endless admiration for your strength, honesty and wherewithal to push yourself, even when it seems you may just fall apart in the middle of it all. You are a brilliant, amazing, gifted, beautiful, talented woman, even more so for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Lots of love to you my dear, as well as your wee ones (:

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  2. May your words, thoughts and shared fears not only give hope to those that need it, also bring about peace and comfort for yourself

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  3. You are the bravest & fiercest of mothers. The appointed mother and advocate of Poppy. I know you are grieving the look she had before her surgery and no one is going to tell you how to feel. This is your baby girl and every feeling and emotion you have is genuine and valid. It’s ok!…. Mom

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  4. God be with you Noelle, and with your baby . he’s in control and she continues to make it thru these unimaginable surgeries Our prayers are with you & for you & your baby girl stay strong and cast all your worries to the Lord ,,,,,,,He cares for you both !

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